i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
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I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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