apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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