Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
