I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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