just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
