I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
a search helicopter?!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
FUCK WHALES
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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