You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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