im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
