He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
