I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
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Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
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no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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