Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
