guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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