Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Found the puke drawer
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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