as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
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Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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