I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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