Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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