I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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