you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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