I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
