Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
