you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
