Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
