I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
