Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
