Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
