An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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