Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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