My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
