If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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