You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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