He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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