You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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