That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Your shirt... Was in my pants
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
