I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
