How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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