alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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