Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
