Screwed.edu
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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