Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
