Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
