i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
