im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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