he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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