Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
