Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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