he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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