I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
