Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
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but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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