im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
