Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
