i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
