I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
