for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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