I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
