Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
