my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
