White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
