sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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